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midnight snack
Jun. 25th, 2004 12:11 amso. every now and then, my body gently reminds me that without food, people die.
so i got a tube of ritz crackers and visited the fridge. theory is that a whole roll of ritz with things on them is a meal. with about thirty tiny courses.
Course 1: dab of Gulden's Spicy Brown mustard. nice start. woke me up.
Courses 2-4: Wispride Scary Fake Cheese In a Tub™. not good. i was astonished by the first course, and so could not defend against the second course of this filth. third course was purely for scientific reasons. I can tell you, that based on my independently funded research, Wispride Scary Fake Cheese In a Tub™ should not be consumed.
Courses 5-10: (the "soup") generous dollops of Kraft Blue Cheese salad dressing. basically, the crackers were just a delivery system for blue cheese dressing. if you don't occasionally crave a spoonful of blue cheese dressing, this will not be your favorite course. me, i actually crave lumps of bleu cheese, so i was happy with the flavor, if not the texture. still, interesting and worth repetition.
Course 11: inspiration. a very small amount of chopped ginger from a jar, basically a ginger paste. interestingly, this ginger came from Gilroy, California, which is better known for garlic. right, that's not all. on top of a very thin scraping of chopped ginger, a dollop of Wilkin & Sons Tiptree Strawberry Conserve, flattened and spread to cover the cracker. best if you pop the whole thing in your mouth. this was fantastic. as soon as i tried it, i knew it was the winner. warm ginger spicy strawberries, a flaky buttery pastry, with a hint of salt in the shell. i was happy. you should try it. be very careful with the ginger, you don't want to overwhelm the strawberries. or eat a large lump of ginger, really. unless it's pickled or candied. Now, since i knew this was the best thing, i keep these jars out. they will be the finish.
dramatic pause as i spy the tube of durian paste. tiny wheels spin in my cranium, as i establish that the durian paste would cover two full tubes of crackers. in addition, it probably tastes bad. and apparently the texture is disconcerting. i move on.
Course 12: cold Smucker's Hot Fudge. interesting, not bad by any means, but not very good, either. so i microwaved the jar.
interlude of green, pimento-stuffed olives. Tip: use chopsticks to eat out of the jar!
Courses 13-20: hot Smucker's Hot Fudge. much, much better. messier. i finish the jar, because it's good to clean out the fridge. and because i'm eating hot fudge on ritzes.
Courses 21-24: finish my jar of Goya Mango Jam. good stuff. not exactly a strongly mango flavoured jam, but it seems to be a difficult flavor to preserve. still tasty. good to think of it as "yellow jam". fewer expectations. and it does taste somewhat yellow.
Courses 25-28: i have a scary jar of 15% korean ginseng in honey. it's full of ginseng, which is why it tastes like honey and dirt. i told myself i'd just have one cracker with it, but apparently i need ginseng. it's a neat jar. it has a little anthropomorphised ginseng root giving a thumbs up, along with a bee carrying buckets. i presume buckets of honey. my favorite professor ever, Parviz Morewedge, bought it for me and mgg when we went to the city with him and i ate things. they also ate things. not as much, however.
some more olives go here, but i'm not going to finish this jar, so it goes back in the fridge.
Course 29: I had seven crackers on a plate, doing that close-packing thing, all ready to become strawberry ginger crackers, when i realized i hadn't tried the Krakus Plum Jam. I love the plum jam on more breadlike objects, but i have one word for plum jam and ritzes. that word is "no."
Courses 30-35: the delicious strawberry ginger crackers.
so, net benefit:
less hungry,
found a new good flavour,
finished two jars,
established that the scary fake cheese is an abomination against man and cat.
durian paste will be a mighty undertaking.
so i got a tube of ritz crackers and visited the fridge. theory is that a whole roll of ritz with things on them is a meal. with about thirty tiny courses.
Course 1: dab of Gulden's Spicy Brown mustard. nice start. woke me up.
Courses 2-4: Wispride Scary Fake Cheese In a Tub™. not good. i was astonished by the first course, and so could not defend against the second course of this filth. third course was purely for scientific reasons. I can tell you, that based on my independently funded research, Wispride Scary Fake Cheese In a Tub™ should not be consumed.
Courses 5-10: (the "soup") generous dollops of Kraft Blue Cheese salad dressing. basically, the crackers were just a delivery system for blue cheese dressing. if you don't occasionally crave a spoonful of blue cheese dressing, this will not be your favorite course. me, i actually crave lumps of bleu cheese, so i was happy with the flavor, if not the texture. still, interesting and worth repetition.
Course 11: inspiration. a very small amount of chopped ginger from a jar, basically a ginger paste. interestingly, this ginger came from Gilroy, California, which is better known for garlic. right, that's not all. on top of a very thin scraping of chopped ginger, a dollop of Wilkin & Sons Tiptree Strawberry Conserve, flattened and spread to cover the cracker. best if you pop the whole thing in your mouth. this was fantastic. as soon as i tried it, i knew it was the winner. warm ginger spicy strawberries, a flaky buttery pastry, with a hint of salt in the shell. i was happy. you should try it. be very careful with the ginger, you don't want to overwhelm the strawberries. or eat a large lump of ginger, really. unless it's pickled or candied. Now, since i knew this was the best thing, i keep these jars out. they will be the finish.
dramatic pause as i spy the tube of durian paste. tiny wheels spin in my cranium, as i establish that the durian paste would cover two full tubes of crackers. in addition, it probably tastes bad. and apparently the texture is disconcerting. i move on.
Course 12: cold Smucker's Hot Fudge. interesting, not bad by any means, but not very good, either. so i microwaved the jar.
interlude of green, pimento-stuffed olives. Tip: use chopsticks to eat out of the jar!
Courses 13-20: hot Smucker's Hot Fudge. much, much better. messier. i finish the jar, because it's good to clean out the fridge. and because i'm eating hot fudge on ritzes.
Courses 21-24: finish my jar of Goya Mango Jam. good stuff. not exactly a strongly mango flavoured jam, but it seems to be a difficult flavor to preserve. still tasty. good to think of it as "yellow jam". fewer expectations. and it does taste somewhat yellow.
Courses 25-28: i have a scary jar of 15% korean ginseng in honey. it's full of ginseng, which is why it tastes like honey and dirt. i told myself i'd just have one cracker with it, but apparently i need ginseng. it's a neat jar. it has a little anthropomorphised ginseng root giving a thumbs up, along with a bee carrying buckets. i presume buckets of honey. my favorite professor ever, Parviz Morewedge, bought it for me and mgg when we went to the city with him and i ate things. they also ate things. not as much, however.
some more olives go here, but i'm not going to finish this jar, so it goes back in the fridge.
Course 29: I had seven crackers on a plate, doing that close-packing thing, all ready to become strawberry ginger crackers, when i realized i hadn't tried the Krakus Plum Jam. I love the plum jam on more breadlike objects, but i have one word for plum jam and ritzes. that word is "no."
Courses 30-35: the delicious strawberry ginger crackers.
so, net benefit:
less hungry,
found a new good flavour,
finished two jars,
established that the scary fake cheese is an abomination against man and cat.
durian paste will be a mighty undertaking.
